Sex is the great common denominator between people. Almost everyone does it, which is why sex stories are usually interesting, relatable and very often funny.
As far as funny goes, nothing beats a good sex injury story. I’ve been involved in my fair share of bedroom accidents, with injuries ranging from carpet burn all the way through to a dislocated shoulder (I fell out of the bed).
So in the spirit of funny sex stories I’ve scoured all corners of the internet to find the most amusing and bizarre sex-related injuries for you to enjoy.
We Don’t Want Chilli Willy
I’ll start this off with a story of my own. While not necessarily a sex related injury, it definitely falls within the same genre.
Anyone that has cooked using chillies will know that the chemical that makes them hot (Capsaicin) doesn’t only interact with your tongue but also your skin and eyes. It can also be very difficult to get off your hands even after a thorough wash.
Well long story short, after enjoying my spicy dinner the call of nature resulted in the remaining Capsaicin on my hands coming in contact with the most sensitive part of my body. The resulting sensation quickly escalated from a mild tingling to a severe burning. After five minutes of trying to tough it out I was forced into a cold shower to scrub off the offending Capsaicin and soothe my burning groin.
I feel slightly better about myself knowing that I’m not the only person to suffer this indignity. The best (or perhaps most painful) example of something similar happening occurred in Southeast Texas where a woman was admitted to the Emergency Room as a result of her partner going down on her after consuming quite a bit of hot sauce. In this case the poor victim suffered mild burns to her genital area.
It’s Caught – Braces, Rings & Zippers
If you read my previous blog about erectile dysfunction you’ll know that men have tried a variety of weird and wonderful things to try and cure their affliction.
One bloke in particular took it to the extreme by putting his wedding ring around his cock in an effort to keep it hard. In fairness to him, it worked – just a little too well.
According to the treating doctor, while the ring helped the man retain an erection, it also stopped the blood flowing back out again after sex. This led to his penis becoming sore, swollen and borderline necrotic.
While this case represents an extreme example, the risk of getting your old fella stuck in something is reasonably high, with the most common cause of penile injury being zippers. To illustrate this point, it was recently reported in a US medical journal that around 2000 men annually are admitted to hospital for zipper-related penis injuries.
According to doctors, the biggest risk factor for getting caught up in your zipper is going commando. Indeed, one bloke’s decision not to wear jocks ended up costing him his foreskin after he was a bit rash in zipping up after a bathroom break.
If you do ever find yourself in this situation, it’s suggested that you use some lubricant to try and untangle yourself or seek medical attention immediately.
Hickies Can Be Dangerous
You’d think that hickies would be fairly innocuous. Often viewed as a mild and innocent show of affection, a hickey can actually do quite a bit of harm if you go overboard.
Probably the best illustration of this comes from New Zealand in 2011 where a woman suffered a stroke after her partner gave her the mother of all hickies on her neck. Unfortunately for this woman, because the suction was applied to an artery it resulted in blood clot which moved to her brain and ultimately left her paralysed in one arm.
Probably more pertinent for those of you reading this is the fact that hickeys can pass on herpes. Granted it’s only the cold sore variant of herpes, but if you notice your partner has one don’t let them suck on your face.
Sex so Good it Gave me a Seizure
It sounds like someone bragging to cover up their own insecurities, but sex can indeed cause seizures. And this isn’t a phenomenon that afflicts you right from the start of your sexual experimentation – it can occur out of nowhere.
Take for instance, a man from India who began having seizures after ejaculation five years into his marriage. He reported to doctors that after sex with his wife he would lose conciousness and suffer from uncontrollable, violent movements in his extremities. This would carry on for a few minutes at which point he would regain consciousness with little to no residual effects.
As a general rule, orgasm-induced seizures affect women more often than men – but luckily for all of us the instances of orgasm acting as a trigger for seizures is far less frequent than other stimuli, such as light, sound or movement.
That Doesn’t Go in There
Leaving the best part ‘til last, let’s talk about people sticking weird shit up their bums. These stories come up from time to time on our social media feeds (well mine at least) and I thought it best to share some of my favourites.
I recently saw that there has been a steep rise in reported cases of people freezing potatoes and inserting them anally. The reason behind this fad is apparently a belief that it can cure hemorrhoids. This home remedy has largely been touted online and actually comes with instructions on how to prepare the potato.
Unsurprisingly, medical professionals are not recommending you shove a désirée up your ass to cure your piles.
Another amusing aspect of people losing objects internally is the excuses they give medical staff for their predicament. For example, one gentleman told a nurse that he had a toothbrush stuck inside his large intestine because he had jumped on his bed and it got lodged inside on impact.
Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with inserting something into one of your own or some else’s orifices if everyone consents, but can I suggest that you buy something fit-for-purpose so you don’t end up in a blog like this one. Maybe give the nJoy Pure Plug a try instead?